OZ ATV :: The Australian ATV Forum

[Dino]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing belts, seals and gaskets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in mudguards just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a quad to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front headlight.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG PINE 4 x 2 : Used for levering a quad headlight upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON EZY GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. When use with force for the intended function, severs electrical cables, vacumn lines and arteries.

E-Z OUT bolt AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup whilst causing erratic idle.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under quads at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 140-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the liberation of IRAQ. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

FEELER GAUGES: Used to check valves clearances after 5 hours using everything you've got in the workshop to access the valves, only to discover the valves were not rattling, it was some loose tools on the bash plate.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 6000km away by ocean voyage by some mutant, and snaps them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
Sometimes called a wrecking bar.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

SHIFTING SPANNER: So called because it shifts in time to either round off bolts or jam on them in such a way as too be impossible to remove from a bolt without a vice. Good substitute hammer how ever.

GLAND SPANNER: Very useful for tearing the lugs out of Gland nuts.

COLD CHISEL: Tool of choice after using many of the above tools. Unfortunately, a hammer is required, which is often followed by significant skin removal. Combined, these tools are useful to teach swearing at a young age.
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Remember. We elect politicians, but we have to deal with bureaucracy.
Notice that crazy in the bureaucrats.

[priesty]

Hahaha, laughed my ass off (I'm over anagrams).
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The term "Foolproof" seriously underestimates the ingenuity of Fools.


08 700xx

[Mart 300r]

lol i like it.
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1984 ATC 300R, 1986 TRX 500R,1984 ATC 200X, ATC 70 WITH CUSTOM LAYDOWN 250R ENGINE, 125CC CUSTOM THUMPSTER TRIKE

[s13 brap]

Lol, yep wouldn't be able to remember how many times that hose cutter